Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze1 every time it wants a chunk2 of cheese.
Good evening. The waiter said. Table for four?
Yes, thank you.
Smoking or non?
Nonsmoking.
Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?
I guess indoors would be good.
Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. Good evening, my name is Paul, and Ill be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?
No, I said, Im just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so Ill have the filet3 mignon and baked potato.
Soup or salad?
Salad.
We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine enpe salad with baby shrimp4.
just a mixed-green salad, okay?
Whatever you say, sir. Dressing5?
I didnt want to make another decision. Whatever youve got will be fine.
We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch
Just bring me one. Surprise me.
Creamy Italian is our house specialty6. Would that be all right, sir?
Yeah. I was curt7. I was done with civility.
And your baked potato
I knew what was coming. I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I dont want anything on it.
No butter? No sour cream?
No.
No, chives?
No! Dont you understand English? I shouted. I dont want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak.
Would you prefer the six-, eight- or 12-ounce steak, sir?
Whatever.
Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you.
Pauly Boy, I said, you are really starting to get me steamed
Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli8, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, diced9 carrots--
That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant10 kisser and said, Howd you like to settle this outside?
Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley11 or the street in front of the restaurant?
I prefer right here, I said, and sucker-punched him.
He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadnt offered me a selection. I collapsed12 百度竞价推广iconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated13 Pauly.
When I regained14 my senses, I saw the very concerned waiter right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the parmesanwhatever I wanted.
No, no, I said. Ill be all right. Just bring me a glass of water.
Yes, sir, right away, he said. Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water or club soda15 with a wedge of lime?
